Rude Responses to Rude Questions
Since getting married, I have been asked a lot of rude questions.
I was not really aware of it at first and just sort of fielded them as they came until I realized that certain questions were repeating themselves with increasing rudeness and frequency.
I have, therefore, come up with the following list:
RUDE ANSWERS TO RUDE QUESTIONS I HAVE BEEN ASKED SINCE GETTING MARRIED (with bonus reactions both internal and external)
Question: Are you going to change your name?
This one ranks low on the offensiveness scale. I get it. People are curious if they will have to get used to calling you by a new last name. Some people will not bother trying.
Answer: Just as soon as I get finished Windexing this here glass ceiling.
Question: Why haven’t you changed your name yet?
I maintain that the process of changing your name after marriage must have been designed by some Feminazi who didn’t want wives to take their husbands’ names, because it is cumbersome, confusing, costly, and time-consuming.
Answer: I’m actually crowd-funding the process. You can look it up on GoFundMe to make the contribution of your choice, or if you want to get me a new passport just make out a check to the U.S. Department of State. Thanks.
Question: Why doesn’t he change his name?
Most people who ask this question think that they are (1) hilarious, (2) don’t want to bother with calling me by a new name, (3) clearly find this to be a ridiculous concept but like to ask because it is so funny to consider that a man would ever actually change his name after getting married.
Answer: We played Rock, Paper, Patriarchy but I lost.
Question: When are you going to have kids?
We’re moving steadily out of the Realm of Innocent Curiosity and tiptoeing into the Land of Somewhat Creepy Questions. I mean, wow. We’ve been married for about two seconds. Can we maybe just, oh, I don’t know, BE MARRIED for a minute before we start breeding? I wasn’t aware the species was in CRITICAL DANGER OF DYING OUT.
Answer: Not sure yet—want to help me chart my menstrual cycles and figure out my peak ovulation day each month so we can all be ready? You’re committed to this too, right?
Question: Do you want kids?
Another question about our finances and family’s future, coming right up.
Answer: Probably not. Between his gambling and my whoring, all of my good breeding years will probably be spent in a whirl of hedonistic pleasure, which isn’t really conducive to child-rearing.
Question: How many kids are you going to have?
This is my favorite question to get from people who know that I had hip surgery last year and still cannot run and am having issues with my lower extremities. You know, like my legs, and my hips, and my pelvis. But don’t forget, when asking invasive questions about someone’s health or family planning, it’s important to get all the details.
Answer: As many as the Lord will allow me to carry with my broken hip and ground-down bones.
(Bet you feel like a real winner now.)
And this one TAKES THE CAKE.
Question: Are you pregnant yet?
Answer: No, I just had a really big lunch.
I would like to add the disclaimer that only one or two of these answers came to me in the heat of the moment and I had to restrain myself from actually responding in this manner. I have had ample time to come up with these responses, since I have been asked these questions many times.
I get it that most people are well-intentioned. Some are just unsure of what kinds of questions to ask and trying to make friendly conversation.
The fact remains, however, that these questions range from vaguely to intensely personal, dealing with mine and my husband’s religious, social, economic, professional, sexual, and family choices. In short: probably not a topic for chit-chat, and none of your dang business.
Try: How’s work going?
Where did you go on your honeymoon?
How do you like being married?
Or (here’s a crazy thought) Are you considering getting another pet?
Whatever happened to escalation of responsibility? We’ve already killed one tree in our side yard, six scraggly shrubs, and the bonsai tree we got for our one month-iversary—but you want us to hurry up and procreate?
It’s likely the only reason Betty is (literally) still hopping is because she’s fat, opportunistic, and a little greedy, and demands food and attention on a daily basis. We can’t forget to water her and let her go the way of the Bonsai tree.
So in case you were wondering:
Work is busy, but going well. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon, and it was delightful. I love being married. Manfriend cooks fancy food every night and all I have to do is the dishes. He has doubled the laundry load and his clothes smell like boy, but he takes care of the lawn so he is forgiven. Also, we are getting a puppy in the fall.
Oh and yes, I did have kind of a big lunch today. Thanks for asking.