My First Filling (or, Why I Can Never Wear Chapstik Again)


I’ve never had a cavity.

Don’t ask me how apparently spectacularly healthy gums and teeth have lived in my mouth for the last twenty-three and a half years, because I have no idea. Yeah, I brush my teeth twice or three times a day, and I floss whenever I remember, but I also went through a phase when I was in elementary school when I had spectacularly bad dental hygiene (Basically I was a grimy seven-year old with glasses who didn’t brush my teeth enough. Sorry world.) and I have always partaken of copious amounts of sugary foods and drinks. Yet somehow, miraculously, I have never had a cavity.


I had a cleaning last week and the guy goes, “Oh. You have a little cavity.”

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How to Defend the Dream (To the USMA Class of 2013)


Dear Class of 2013,

CONGRATU-FREAKIN’-LATIONS. After 47 months of literal blood, sweat and tears you have finally made it. (I know the blood, sweat and tears thing is a cliche’, but I think we also all recognize that all three are involved to different extents throughout a cadet career. Gross but true.) It seems like only yesterday you were stinky little new cadets marching your way into the Corps and now you are stinky little lieutenants in the United States Army (just kidding. It really is exciting). You were at the top of the heap and the top of your game at West Point (even if you struggled—because we all did in our own way—you at least figured it out enough to graduate) and now you are back to the bottom of the totem pole in the Big Army.

There was a great article floating around a few weeks ago about effective leadership as a lieutenant, with the most memorable lesson being, “don’t be a douche.” But seriously. (You can read it HERE if you missed it.) Just as none of us would have graduated without working together (cooperate and graduate is no joke if you ask me), I firmly believe that we butter bars should stick together instead of trying so hard to outdo one another. This isn’t actually an entry about how to defend the dream, but in the spirit of cooperate-and-defeat-the-negative-LT-stereotypes, I give you a few of the lessons I have learned in my first year as an officer.

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Why I’ll Never Be a Superhero (and some of life’s other sad truths)


You know those movies where someone ordinary does something extraordinary? And I’m not talking about one of those made-for-TV movies where someone just happens to be at the right place at the right time and performs CPR and saves someone’s life but they could only do it because they had just recertified their CPR two days before. I’m talking about look-at-me-I’m-a-poor-village-lad-but-I-will-save-thousands or I’m-just-a-girl-in-China-but-oh-wait-I-am-also-Mulan-and-now-I-have-saved-everyone-from-the-Huns kind of story.

I have determined that even though I am a pretty tough cookie (and who doesn’t love cookies?) and have been through some things I didn’t think I’d make it through, I also don’t think I’m Tony Stark/Mulan/Everyman-Turned-Fairy-Tale-Hero material.

Allow me to elaborate. Continue reading

Going to the Dark Side


I apologize for not updating last week. I had to interrupt this regularly scheduled program to launch my new diet program, Puke Away the Pounds! I got a stomach virus and spent a couple of days in the fetal position, eating Cheerios like a toddler with a distinct lack of motor skills and sipping half-strength Gatorade. I lost six pounds in two days, so feel free to contact me for more information! Side effects include dizziness, nausea, extreme shortness of breath when moving more than fifteen feet at greater than a sloth-like pace, and abdominal pain. Oh yes, and vomiting. That’s how you Puke Away the Pounds!

But! After I got better, I had a splendid time frolicking about New York City with my Manfriend. I also got to meet up with two of my favorite girls: Sister #3 and one of my Glee Club girls who is gearing up to graduate and commission from West Point next month (Eee!). They met us in Grand Central (which I adore), and then we took the subway down to Little Italy for a fancy lunch (we split a bottle of wine, so that’s how you know it’s fancy. Even if it was super girly wine because that’s the only kind of wine I’ll drink. But I digress.).

It was a really great afternoon (we followed up carbs with a book-shopping trip to The Strand, so I was pretty much in heaven), but one thing the experience highlighted for me is how my status has changed in the last year. And by my status, I mean that I was once a cadet, and then a cadater (a cadet who dates other cadets, for those of you who don’t speak West Point), and now, suddenly, I am that which I once envied and despised: I am a Cadet Girlfriend. Continue reading

How to Get Your Ass Kicked by a Pillow


[Just a side note, if you are offended by my use of the word ‘ass’ in this blog title, I apologize. I am also not taking it back as this blog is currently rated PG in its use of Biblical swear words.]

I am losing today.

By my count (which is subject to scrutiny or perhaps revision given my lack of mathematical prowess), the score currently stands at Today: 5; Kelley: 1.

See, what had happened was… Continue reading