A Missive from the Kingdom of Percocet: Days 2 & 3

6

Day Two of my Percocet-induced ramblings

Dear subjects,

Nurse Mommy just gave me my second dose of Percocet for the day. Percocet is great. It makes my knees feel tingly and makes my head feel like this:

Bugs Bunny

Also today one of my friends posted something and tagged my ex in it and every time someone does that I’m just like UGH GAG WHY ARE YOU EVEN FRIENDS WITH THAT JERKFACE. it doesn’t show up hyperlinked or whatever because I blocked that conspiracy-theorist-and-underappreciator-of-carbs AGES ago, but still, sometimes that stuff shows up. So when I see those horrendous posts I’m like:

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nope

and then when the post goes away I can resume enjoying Facebook and when I’m on Percocet it’s like:

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Woot wooooooooooooooot

But really, I do that every time a post annoys me on Facebook. I just hide it. And then it goes away and I don’t have to see it anymore and it’s great. Why look at it if it’s annoying? I’ve tried unfriending repeat offenders but either they notice and refriend me or I know I can’t really get away with it so why bother? So then I just take them off my newsfeed entirely and I can forget we were friends to begin with. Deeeelightful. Then Facebook is fun again like it’s supposed to be.

I don’t get why people think they can affect change via Facebook. Remember that time when you were like, “wow, I think abortion is good!” and then someone posted an anti-abortion link and you were like, “wow, I guess I was wrong.” Or when you were an ardent fan of right-wing politics and someone posted an Obama-tastic rant and you were like, “gee, I really haven’t given this enough thought,” and you changed your entire political stance?!

NO. THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN. FACEBOOK IS FOR PICTURES OF WEDDINGS AND BABIES AND CATS DOING FUNNY THINGS. STOP TRASHING UP MY FACEBOOK NEWSFEED WITH YOUR INEFFECTUAL, SELF-SATISFIED, OBNOXIOUSLY RIGHTEOUS RANTS.

GUESS WHAT, PEOPLE.

Okay so back to how I lost all my wisdom.

You know the other thing I was worried about? I asked Mom if there was an escort for my surgery. She asked why. And I was like, “Um, duh, ‘cause what if I get date raped?”

Then she told me that was inappropriate and I think she considered confiscating the Chelsea Handler book I was reading at the time. So I kept my inappropriate suggestions to myself and iced my face and finished my book without further inappropriate commentary.

Okay so you know what is fun? Leaving the hospital in a wheelchair.

That was a new one for me, and the lady pushing my wheelchair must have been SPRINTING down the hallways because HOLY WHOA THAT WAS FUN. The wind in my hair! The air rushing past my gauze-packed, puffy face!

Then we went to get me a shake. And then there was more Percocet! And sooooooo many shakes. Also pudding. And jello. And ice cream. And these truly amazing ICEE popsicle things.

Basically I had a good day yesterday.

Today Mom is still spoiling me and taking excellently good care of me. She made me hand-mashed potatoes and cheese because I was having a sugar overload and they were DEEELICIOUS.

Also Mom called the people in the dental clinic dirty rotten liars because they said that my face would stop bleeding after a few hours and it didn’t stop bleeding until sometime late this morning, which was about twenty-four hours post-op. So if your definition of “a few hours” is “twenty-four hours or more” then yeah, I guess they were right. (Incidentally, my definition of “a few hours” is not “twenty-four hours or more” unless we’re talking about a lunch break or something.)

Also when we went to pick up another shake tonight and buy some soup, my mom said something that made me smile and she goes, “Oh, did you notice your smile is crooked?”

So I flipped down the mirror thingy and made a really hideous smile at the mirror and said, “AHHHHH! I look like I had a STROKE!”

And she started laughing and then composed herself and told me that I did not look like I had had a stroke and said that was also inappropriate. But for real, I have a hideous jawline right now. It is pretty manly. It would look really great on a cartoon MAN. Not on meeeeeee.

Basically if Johnny Bravo borrowed my chin he’d be all:

Johnny Bravo

Oh and did I tell you why I am mad at Ellen DeGeneres?

I applied over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN on her website thingy where the form is all “know someone who needs a new car?” and Mom did NOT get a new car! That bad boy had over 230,000 miles on it and it was strug-ga-ling. It was missing a door handle on the passenger side and the window didn’t roll down on the driver’s side and some jerk knocked off the rearview mirror so she had drive around with a nifty duct tape do up on the side to keep the rearview mirror in place. It was rough.

Mama needed a new car. And Ellen did not give her one. What kind of world do we live in when one Ellen isn’t willing to help out another??

Sick, I tell you, sick.

But Mommy finally caved and got a deal on a car and replaced hers that was chugging along and her new car is sooo cute and she looks sooo cute in it.

Thusly:

chariot

Anyway, it is now time for another milkshake and that’s all I have for you, my loyal subjects today. The end!

**

Day Three

Just had dose numero dos of Percocet for the day. I’m in less pain than I was the first two days, so we cut my Percocet back. Consequently, I am much more sleepy and much less hilarious than I was for the first two days of recovery. I have also graduated from nothing but cold, sugary foods to soft scrambled eggs, potatoes, and a glorious bowl of mac’n’cheese, all ingested with extreme caution.

Yesterday around four p.m., however, I developed an extremely strong craving for pizza. I JUST WANT SOME DANG PIZZA. Reallyreally badly.

pizza plz

I have to wait though because I’m still like the turtle who can’t open its stupid mouth and also cannot chew.

I have spent most of the day timing my medicine intake (Mommy Nurse had to go back to work so I’m on my own now… DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN) and alternating between reading Cosmo and To Kill A Mockingbird.

My thought process goes something like this –

COSMO: Hm. I should take better care of my cuticles.

MOCKINGBIRD: I should read more Pulitzer Prize winning novels if I ever think I’m going to write one.

COSMO: (while spooning a milkshake into my mouth) I should eat less. …nah.

MOCKINGBIRD: This book is so good, it’s just stupid. It is stupid how good this book is.

COSMO: I don’t know who this celebrity lady person is.

MOCKINGBIRD: Boo Radley is fun to say. Boo Radley Boo Radley Boo Radley.

COSMO: I want to be filthy rich when I grow up. Maybe I should pay more attention to this article about how JLo earned 35 million last year — oh look, another ad for shiny hair!

MOCKINGBIRD: (spooning shake with despair) I WILL NEVER WRITE A BOOK THAT IS THIS GOOD

COSMO: MY CUTICLES ARE NEVER GOING TO LOOK THAT GOOD

So then I gave up and watched three episodes of The Big Bang Theory and finished my shake in peace.

I have to go back to work tomorrow with my bruised jaw and Johnny Bravo face. It is very very sensitive so I shall have to guard it with great vigilance.

NOBODY TOUCH THE FACE.

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I don’t know why they would, but I’m just saying. Not a good idea to be up in my grill for the next couple of days.

Also it would be a great favor to me if you darlings who inhabit my kingdom and read these missives would “like” them on here instead of on Facebook and also comment because my younger sister is making fun of me and saying I lost my following and I think she’s a terrible subject and off with her head!

So that’s all.

Love,

the ruler of the Kingdom of Percocet

6 comments

  • alexjlovely 4 years ago

    I think Ellen might have seen how nice the tape looked on the car and figured an expert had already fixed it for her.

  • Sam W 4 years ago

    I will never get over the disappointment of not seeing Percocet-Kelley.

    • Kelley 4 years ago

      I think these entries provide a pretty good snapshot.

  • Ellen S. Duke 4 years ago

    Ha! So true, Alex … it was such a class act. And, Kelley love this blog and all the blogs! Remember that Harper Lee had only ONE published book too.

    • Kelley 4 years ago

      Well, when you strike gold, why keep panning in the Yukon?

  • Karina 4 years ago

    Your kingdom is safe, your highness!

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